There’s no describing what a seizure entails let alone how my mood will swing with each electrical mis-firing that happens. Again, I’m missing a large chunk of my tongue and while I know it’ll grown back it’s just yet another reminder of my dysfunction. On the onset of the weekend, I did regular tasks like going to the dentist, a bit of grocery shopping and minimalistic chores of the sort. Firday went off pretty much without a hitch. A few good friends and I went out to play pool at Shoreline Billiards. After a few jokes were slung and table were ran, the lot of us headed to have a bite to eat in downtown Palo Alto. The food at “Pasta?” was OK but it’d be a secondary spot especially for nights that were low key. I decided this as we were finishing our drinks at “Joya” another pub in the downtown area. Overall Friday was a big success.
Saturday rolled around and I was feeling fine. I did my exercises and another one since I had missed my workout the previous day. I had missed my weekday workouts as well and needed to take this time to take care of myself. I thought I was until I went black. When I awoke, a bunch of strangers were in my room asking me to sit down. The clouds parted quickly as I began to recognize them as paramedics. If I was laying down and not having sustained seizures, I wish the paramedics were not called but they were called by my roommates for my own safety and theirs. I understand this but I don’t think they understand what a financial hardship these seizures put me in with the ambulance ride, emergency room staff and all other items loaded on the bill. I was prescribed a new drug to stop sustained seizures but I don’t (and cannot have) a true gauge on this since I don’t want to have sustained seizures and have more blank spots in my life.
There was one bright spot to Saturday in which a very close friend dropped her daily tasks and spent the time with me in the emergency room as I was all tangled in wires and tubes for monitoring. What do I say to her? How can I ever repay her for her kindness? I think that I’ll never find something that truly allows me to express how much gratitude I have towards het. She’s done this before and it was just as special, but this is such an unselfish act that it seems impossible for me to recognize her and her acts for the kindness, selflessness and generosity that have been shown. I’ll keep striving to find a suitable award, token gift but I do not think that this (or these) actions can be properly rewarded with something of financial gain. The best I can do is remain her friend for as long as she allows me to helping her reach her dreams and goals…I think.
Sunday was a day of rest. With my workouts and the seizure I was sore in all extremities including my tongue. Hey hospital friend left her car in San Bruno and needed a ride. Luckily I am surrounded with other good friends and it took little effort and minimal organizing to not only get to our destination but meet up with our favorite teacher from USF. After a few margaritas and some laughs we headed home our separate ways. Hugs and handshakes flew but we all had a wonderful time.
I’m trying to look on the positive side here. While I’m a bit down and wondering about all things in life (future, jobs, family) With few exceptions this was a very above par weekend. I could have done without the seizure bit but at the same time I have a new wonderful memory. I wish I spent more time with these friends but I also realize that the times that I do spend with them are so very special already. I try to tread cautiously with them as well since I have a fear of becoming a burden or depressing.
What are you trying to say? In short to those I spent time with this weekend, I just want to say thanks. While I’m not completely whole (mentally) you have definitely helped me over a very difficult bridge this weekend. I only hope that the compassion that you have shown me is given back to you ten-fold.
Today I went running as I’ve been trying to do all in an effort to get into a better shape.
Today when I went n to the gym for a run I was all prepped except that the Nike sensor that I use seemed not to work. What? It worked for the last few runs I’ve had and I count on this to help keep my motivation. Well I guess I’d just have to use my music instead of keeping track of how far I have gone vs. how far I have left to go or even the pace per mile. Hrm, this was going to be tough.
What was I to do? Nerd out of course and see if I could make my body nerd out as well. So, while I was trekking away on the treadmill I came up with a solution after a mile. The new methodology that helped me through the last three boring ass miles since I didn’t have my mental pivot tables to keep me occupied. I was going to run one song and walk one song. One on and one off. This would allow me to keep me at a good pace and get the rest that I so desperately needed but not cheat myself from a great workout.
Know what? It worked. I found myself running more than I was walking. I found that I still don’t care that I was talking loudly to myself and people were starting to think “oh my” or something silly, I was doing it. I was in the zone so to speak and I was really having a ball even when Enigmas – I Love You I Kill You came on as one of my running songs…but I made it all the way though it’s nine freaking minutes (yes I counted). I was however rewarded with a lovely song by Lykke Li – Dance Dance Dance whom I was introduced to by a friend I need to reach out to and say hi.
I’ve been thinking about my impending demise lately.
Not that I am depressed nor am I being morbid or anything of the sort. I’m not even thinking of the process of death itself or how I will die when it happens because let’s face it; it’s going to happen. We just don’t know how, where or when unless we take care of these logistics ourselves. Who know, you might be stabbed by a unicorn before getting through this post. Read the rest of this entry »
As my mother was driving me home from work, which was nice, a motorcycle passed us by.
I said to my mother as it passed us “Man that looks like a dream”
She replied with something I never thought she’d say to me and what once was a really decent day has me questioning and thrown me pretty hard. She said, “‘I’m glad you can’t drive then”. While I know what she meant, this was possibly the worst thing she ever said to me in her or my life. I’m confused, hurt, astonished and all sorts of emotions now and … just wow.
This morning I get into work and my pops sends me a message. The entire message was about his ‘chores’ of today and what he did over the weekend. Today’s message came right after a brutal session with the dentist. I hate taking time off work so I already feel guilty but then I read this and all I an think of is ‘damn, good for you’.
Pops wrote, and I’m paraphrasing here but not much. “Hi kids, Happy Monday. A beautiful sunny day here today. We had a great steak dinner by the pool last night. I jumped in. Water temp is about 80. It was a bit cold, but tolerable. Today I will pay this weeks bills and putter in the garden. The boys and I will take a friend for a bbq lunch. Nothing else much to report. Love POD.”
POD stands for Poor OLD dad.
Silly crackers. Don’t you know you get soggy in water?
All I can do when i read and re-read his email is smile and think damn.
How does one do this? Be it the gft of a fantastic friendship, the the calling of medical services when you can’t call for yourself or others, or any innumerable ways someone either protects you from yourself, or assists you in a situation when the assisting hand is needed and not asked for (let alone able to be asked for).
Today I apparently had yet another seizure and I have no idea why. This got me to thinking about gratitude. Not only gratitude but how one expresses it and to what measures are gratitude properly expressed for various deeds & tasks.
I’ve been up on my medications, I’ve been getting my sleep and taking the best care I’ve ever taken of myself in my life. My weight is better than it’s ever been and my blood sugar is decent. The paramedics said my blood pressure was good as well. Is it stress? Is it something I haven’t thought of? What is this mystery cause that I can’t seem to grasp? How do I repay those that assisted me today let alone those that have assisted me in the past or grace me with their continual beautiful gifts on a daily basis?
I’m at a loss on how I an achieve this. Even my impending degree at USF has not helped me crack this code. I know I can just continue to be the best that I can be and that might be a minimal reward to those that care for me. To me however that is a paltry response. can’t seem to grasp how to express gratitude in an effective yet meaningful way to anyone.
I always find a new reason why to love them even more day in and day out. This weekend with the help of friends I discovered indoor rock climbing, and that I’m not only OK at it but it’s terribly fun. I also re-learned some of those long lost knots I was taught to tie in sea-scouts like the figure eight and the fisherman’s knot. I became certified in belay. I ordered a new Gi for judo. I went running at night because I was too embarrassed to run in the day. I went biking for thirty minutes but never moved an inch.
First, I did all of these things for me. I was made aware of these by my friends but I did them for me.
Second, and just as important to note, I was introduced to these by my friends. The people who have helped shape me and whom I love dearly for who they are, how they push me and how they are continual sources of inspiration.
While my friends introduced me to these wonderful things I adopted, they also did one thing that was wonderful. They respected me in and out of my accomplishments within these areas. be it work, school, rock climbing, judo, bitch-fest or whatever the matter was. They helped me succeed with a large amount of respect. This is huge. Not because it grows and strengthens the bond between friends but because it makes our friendship stronger and leads to more wonderful times together because of the bonds that have been strengthened. Read the rest of this entry »
Who loses their jacket on the rainiest day of April?
Who loses a shoe mid-seizure?
Why can’t I find my gym bag that has my combo locks already attached and ready to go as well as my towel from REI put in there?
Why did I put asparagus in my SALAD of all things even though I can’t stand the way these pee-stinkers taste?
Who is this guy who is changing his alarm clock to wake and work out in the morning? I don’t get him and how did he get into my body?
I also don’t understand how this is becoming my life and I don’t understand why these changes are so important to me right now but they are. I’m doing them for me and it feels right. I plan to go back to judo this week or next. I’m excited about that more than I can express. I would love to compete in a tournament this year at some point. In fact, I’m making that a goal. One year from today, three hundred and sixty five days from now I want to have competed in (and hopefully done well in) my first judo tournament.
Step one in doing so is changing my routine. I will go to bed early on the weekdays in order to get up early so I can go for a run before work. After work I will go to the gym and keep the usual night shift but still go to bed early.
At least that’s the plan. Now, I still need to figure out who the hell put this damn asparagus in my lunch.
Asshole!
I have a freezer for sale and wanted to post it on Craigslist (now referred to as CL in this post). I dutifully took pictures and posted an ad to the site making sure that folks would be able to see the freezer before making a trek to pick it up. The ad can temporarily be seen here for a tad until it is taken down by CL or expires… http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/app/1679595935.html
The ad was answered and answered by a ‘Theater Troupe’. Not a good sign in my book already. Why? Just because in my *limited* experience they have always been unreliable and shady.
The time was first arranged to pick up the freezer on Friday but the troupe had to rearrange their time and make it either Saturday at 9am or Monday morning.
Since we all work, Monday is out of the question so it has to be Saturday at 9am. A day later I get another email that says it has to be at 8am instead of 9am. OK fine, I don’t like getting up this early but if it gets me the $50 that I asked for and the freezer out of my house. Awesome.
Fast-forward to 7:30 Saturday morning. I wake up, pull the freezer out in prep for the ‘troupe’ representative to come by and pick it up. 8:30 rolls around and they pull up in a truck. There’s two bikes in the back of the truck so there’s already a problem on how to transport it but that’s going to be their problem. The driver gets out of the truck cab and says “Hey, $20 right?”.
Me: Uhh no, the ad said $50.
Driver: Great, the ‘troupe’ leader didn’t tell me that. Is there an ATM around here?
Me: There’s a 7-11 down the street.
Driver: BRB (Yes he said that)
So I went inside, made my oatmeal and poured a warmer for my coffee and waited. They came back and said that it’ll have to be Monday since the driver doesn’t have the cash in his account to cover. At this point I am fuming.
The driver is no taller than the freezer and I’m walking towards him just barking and steaming mad. I told him that I’d ever sell to him and that this is the exact reason why ‘theater troupes’ have a bad reputation. Bark bark bark get the hell off my lawn!
One of the best things about having Epilepsy is the drugs I take all have one side effect in common. Every drug that has passed through me has always had ‘memory loss’ as a side effect. This becomes a wonderful thing to me because I am always surprised by new things every day. The taste of oatmeal on a cold day, how fun it is to wake up hearing the rain, listening to peoples troubles never gets old as they are always fresh to me and small things like that take a lot longer to become old hat.
One memory that I will never forget and that will always be a new hat comes from my father or pops as I call him. To set the stage, I was about five years old making my sister nine. As we were young kids we slept hard since we played hard all day long. Pops came in to wake us this morning and said to us in the most unusual manner. He woke my sister first and said to her the same thing that got me wide awake. Both of us were awake quick as jack rabbits, fast as bullets and happier than ice cream for breakfast. What he said to us I will never forget and will tell my kids should I ever have any someday.
Pops told us that is was such a beautiful day outside and that ma needed some rest today. Instead of going to work while we were at school, we were all going to play hooky and go to Great America while ma took a personal day and did whatever she wanted to do. If she joined us later great but my sister and I were going to spend the day with pops in the amusement park. This was way back when Buggs Bunny, Elmer Fudd and Sylvester the Cat roamed the park with freedom and reckless abandon.
What a rush! The deal was set but pops condition was we had to be ready to go *before* he got downstairs! This meant we had to get our teeth brushed, we had to get dressed properly, make our beds, make breakfast for ourselves, eat breakfast and clean the dishes as well!! WOW what a huge task for such young kids but we were up for the challenge.
My sister and I went through the bathroom and made sure that we had our chops brushed and hair combed. We raced down stairs as fast as out stubby legs could manage. pouring the Cherrios out of the box was almost as difficult as pouring the milk I poured the Cherrios and my sister poured the milk. She was older after all and the milk was a bigger responsibility being a liquid. We ate the circular bits as fast as we could gulping down more air than food. As we washed the dishes, well my sister washed them since I was too short to reach the sink, pops came down in his usual business attire.
A pair of dockers, a button down shirt and a tie for Great America? HA! We fooled him and beat his conditions! He didn’t have any faith in us. What a sucker. It’s time to pay up!
As he filled his travel mug with coffee and kissed us both on the forehead, he walked out the door and said “April Fools, Have a great day at school!”
This is the best April fools joke I have ever been a part of. To this day pops asks us if we want to go to Great America. In fact the email my sister and I go this morning reads “Happy Thursday and April Fools Day. Don’t let anyone invite you to skip work and go play at Great America. HA!”
There’s no describing what a seizure entails let alone how my mood will swing with each electrical mis-firing that happens. Again, I’m missing a large chunk of my tongue and while I know it’ll grown back it’s just yet another reminder of my dysfunction. On the onset of the weekend, I did regular tasks like going to the dentist, a bit of grocery shopping and minimalistic chores of the sort. Firday went off pretty much without a hitch. A few good friends and I went out to play pool at Shoreline Billiards. After a few jokes were slung and table were ran, the lot of us headed to have a bite to eat in downtown Palo Alto. The food at “Pasta?” was OK but it’d be a secondary spot especially for nights that were low key. I decided this as we were finishing our drinks at “Joya” another pub in the downtown area. Overall Friday was a big success.
