I’ve deactivated my FB account because it hurts. it hurts because I don’t know who I am, where I am and what I am doing. I see others that are so strong, fulfilled and complete yet I am empty and alone.
Poetry:
I write, message & express what I feel silently to the ether.
Communications of my fears are being realized.
The shadows of my mind creep and swell
I’ve considered them cowards and selfish
Fearfully now think may they have found an answer
A solution that I’ve neglected to admit
Am I courageous or selfish enough
Can I defeat these angels
Will the demons keep me lost
How long can I suffer
This weekend I’m hoping to go for a nice ride. The ride will be a few hours and about 14 to 16 miles depending on the source and starting point. I think I have a riding buddy to come along but if not it’ll be a nice solo jaunt. I’ll be bringing my camera and if I stop I’ll bring some snaps home to share. This should be a blast. You, my readers, are welcome to come along if you want to or join me/us for a drink after the ride. Any takers?
First off I renounce anyone who says that AC/DC is not Christmas music. AC/DC is too Christmas music. Just listen to “I want a mistress for Christmas“.
Second, Why do the coffee gods hate me today? Four times it took me to get the caramel colored goodness past my lips. All ended in failure or worse…foodkakke.
The coffee conundrums:
Try number one was left on the train as I exited and it pulled away from the station. Someone might have a nice cup of coffee if they want it but I don’t think i’d drink a strange cup riding solo. That’s just me though.
The second attempt was less than successful. I tripped and gave my shirt a nice stain down the middle of my shirt and completed the mornings foodkakke. I’ll be wearing a jacket all day even while I’m indoors now.
As I tried to complete the third try I found myself walking between the two cafe’s that are on campus here at work. I decided to go to the ‘other’ one as I rarely go there and a change would be nice. The coffee machines were out for service. This doubled the time that it would have taken me to get coffee had I chosen the one I normally choose.
I headed to my normal coffee place and there was a cup of coffee waiting for me. I hope I don’t spill this.
Now if I could make that song into a reality and combine it for my love of coffee I’d have a happy happy Christmas…even if only for a little while.
I’ve been really really sick for the last few days. A really sick bear. It started Tuesday when my classmate and friend went to the gym. As I finished running on the elliptical, I decided to go do some sit ups but my body decided otherwise. I collected myself and finished my workout thinking that everything was fine. It wasn’t and the food afterwards didn’t help. As I sat down to help another friend with her term paper my stomach started to make noises I’ve never heard in my many years. The pain soon followed and then the vomiting. After several hours of pain and discomfort I passed out only to wake up long enough to send an email excusing my absence at work the next morning.
I hadn’t been able to study for the midterm that I was to take as I was still in pain. Even though i took the day off to heal I still couldn’t manage to stay conscious for more than fifteen minutes. My studying was heavily thwarted and I didn’t do as well on the test as I wanted. Right after the mid-term I made my exit from the class and headed across the street to the local sandwich shop so I could sit in a place where it was warm. I did this while my ride would know where to pick me up and I would be warm since there are no benches outside. As I made one single step outside the USF building, my stomach turned once again and my knees buckled. I ran to the side of the parking lot…OK I shuffled really fast holding my mouth shut with one hand while my other tried to comfort my belly. Apparently none of my classmates noticed what I offered the gods and I’m rather surprised by this but also very glad. As I finished my Linda Blair impersonation, I made my way to the sandwich shop, sat down in the lounge area and waited for my ride.
I watch people come and go as I waited for my ride to come, played a bit with my phone and curled up a bit too long against the wall. Enter Ed, my would be savior. Ed was no hero on a white horse, he was no stunning man but he was trying to be considerate and that was much appreciated. Ed is a Japanese man with a lightly muscular build. I figured he was into some sports but not weight lighting. An average man who almost reached five feet nine inches in height holding a rather nice figure I also noticed that he was drunk as drunk can be. I’m sitting down in this point just unfurling from my fetal position and I’m almost as tall as he is. As he talks to me asking if I’m ‘OK’ I’m realizing that he is less concerned about my safety but more so he is hitting on me. =)
Ed keeps saying, are you sure you’re OK? Are you sure your ride is coming? If your ride isn’t here in five minutes let’s go wait by my car. All of this while going on about how horrible he is but how lucky he is. I deflect by telling him that if something happens I can take the bus, I’m positive my ride is coming and it’s too cold outside. Apparently his wife was also trying to get a hold of him via cell phone but he asked that I call his phone as well. Luckily I have my cell phone number blocked so it doesn’t show up when I dial out. I call his cell phone and as it rings he smiles and says ‘I’m happy now. I’ll call you tomorrow’. This was a bit more than I was up for and I was done with Ed already. It was very flattering and very nice of him to be so-called concerned but I needed to say no. No, not only because that isn’t my lifestyle but because he was out of line as well. This didn’t take much really. When I stood up I extended my shoulders wider than they usually spread to make myself appear even larger than I already am. I call this technique Big Bear. Wouldn’t you know it… my little Ed woke up really fast as his words started to stumble and stutter. Just then my ride appeared and I thanked Ed for his ‘concern’ and took my leave. Interesting mid-term if you ask me.
As a morning ritual, I browse some news sites to try to keep informed of what is going on in the world. One of the tools that I use to read these articles is Google Reader. Once in a while a few snippets of other interesting articles pop through various sources such as Craigslist
Today Craigslist came through with an interesting proposal. In short, jerk off into a cup and get paid. I’m sure there’s more to it than my minimal explanation but that is what I imagine. You can find the offer here.
This offer however made me think though what would I feel if I did this? Would I have a sense of obligation to any child that was born because of my donation? Could I do this without any sense of wanting to see a child that was biologically mine? Even worse, what if I was rejected as a donor? All of these thoughts and more swam quickly though my brain but the one that stuck with me was what would my moral obligation be if i were to donate. Would there be one? If so, who would it be to? Would I be obligated to the child? the parents? myself? all of the above?
I understand that this service is to help others that are having difficulty conceiving but at the same time the child will eventually find out (in most cases I imagine) that the parents had some assistance.
personally I don’t think I could ever do this as I would always wonder where my daughter/son(s) were and what became of them. This would bankrupt me emotionally as it is just part of who I am. I do not judge those who donate I just cannot.
Saturday was my birthday and a reminder of why I do not celebrate my birthday. It started off well enough though. I woke up early and went for a nice ride to Palo Alto. This however is when I started to feel down and I have yet to shake it. When i was having breakfast with two good friends, I realized while they were friends in the truest sense I was alone. We began to talk about relationships and miscellaneous topics. There was discussion of this and that. Calls to significant others were made and taken to discuss impending events that night and plans that were already in place. The friends that accompanied me were expressing a sense of care towards someone else. I fell back into my rap of jovial jocularity to mask my discontent and pain in order to not ruin the morning. A slice of cake was delivered and the birthday song was sung but I felt a sense of regret that i had agreed to go along. I know that this was not what they meant to do and there was no sense in me feeling this mal-content but I was feeling alone in my self imposed solitude. The two accompanied me to see my pops where we indulged in some extravagant tailgating which is a standard for Stanford football fans. Again I see couples and people enjoying the day but I’m simply feeling down because of this. The people there are wonderful, as are the two that went with me to visit my pops. Read the rest of this entry »
I usually tend to write on things that affect me or I have seen and even things that I find funny or atrocious. Not often do I write about what I feel deeply in the soul or what has plagued me. It just hurts too much to pen and awaken myself to when I have buried. Today I am going to try to do this.
I’ve always been the big fat guy. Maybe with a funny sense of humor or demeanor but I’ve always been fat. Even as a kid. I remember the football coaches and players trying to coax me to play football but I never really wanted to. When they finally understood that this wasn’t something I was interested in the ridicule and demeaning started because I wasn’t part of their group. They wanted that big lineman to block or smash through the offense. What I wanted didn’t matter to them. So my entire time growing up I have always felt out of place and as abnormal as anyone could. Even without the Epilepsy, I felt strange because I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, use my size as an advantage. It’s just not who I am on the inside.
My confidence has been low for many years now. I attribute this largely impart to my incredible size and weight.My confidence has prevented me from reaching many goals. I have not gone after jobs that I have wanted, I have not done as well in school as I could have, I have not dated or asked those that I wanted to on a date. Those that I have dated either suffered with me or because of me, for which I am truly regretful. All of these I attribute to my low confidence and it’s time that I do something about it. There are other areas that I have regrets on and other aspects in my life that I need to change yet the one area that will give me the most inner advantages is being more confident. The first step that I need to do for myself is to drop a good amount of this weight. Read the rest of this entry »
I will never be a Psychologist, I would much rather be a friend.
Let me explain.
Today I was given the opportunity to help heal others who were confronted with major life and death events. One person had the unfortunate event of learning that very close friend ended his own life while another confided in me about her decision to have an abortion because of a failed (or failing) relationship.
When these people I care for so much hurt, I hurt. At the same time, I am filled with a sense of pride and joy. Does this make me a masochist? I do not want any ill will to befall upon my friends but I am so grateful that I am trusted and close enough that I am called upon to share their grief. If I were a psychologist, I believe I would have to detach myself from people that trust me and share feelings of hard times with me.
I like that people share with me both the good and the bad times. Perhaps I should not be writing about it but I find that it is an odd feeling I am experiencing. Since it is a strange feeling, I needed to let it out and share with others in hopes that they continue to share with me.
There is one more area that I wanted to touch on before I let this go. I want to make sure that you know that even if we have not talked in a while, if we are estranged or angry with one another, if for one reason or another you are in a dark place and you believe that you have nowhere to turn, I am telling you now that you do. Regardless of our past, I will make myself available to you to hear you and help you. Please, never leave me without letting me try to help in some fashion.
Weekend Recap:
Starting with Friday it was a good weekend all in all. I was able to get to the gym two of the three days and go for a ride on all days. I was able to enjoy spending time helping a USF friend and meet some other USF colleagues. We will have the shared experience of a ridiculous teacher that has no tact. The teacher in fact seems to take great delight in making her students squirm with hate while she has them under the thumb of the grading pen. What amazes me about both my classmates and the team that is working through the teacher currently is that nobody is giving up. I think that’s what makes me the most proud of my dear friend. It’s inspiring to see her grow as a writer and know that she’s going to go on to do wonderful things. It’s so inspiring in fact that I’ve already started to think about NaNoWriMo. Again, I will be working through this only this time I will have the added pressures of school to deal with as well. Her teammates are also neat but as I don’t know them quite as well I can’t say that they ‘inspire’ me but I have felt the same angst that they are feeling now. Read the rest of this entry »
