Saturday rolled around and I was feeling fine. I did my exercises and another one since I had missed my workout the previous day. I had missed my weekday workouts as well and needed to take this time to take care of myself. I thought I was until I went black. When I awoke, a bunch of strangers were in my room asking me to sit down. The clouds parted quickly as I began to recognize them as paramedics. If I was laying down and not having sustained seizures, I wish the paramedics were not called but they were called by my roommates for my own safety and theirs. I understand this but I don’t think they understand what a financial hardship these seizures put me in with the ambulance ride, emergency room staff and all other items loaded on the bill. I was prescribed a new drug to stop sustained seizures but I don’t (and cannot have) a true gauge on this since I don’t want to have sustained seizures and have more blank spots in my life.

There was one bright spot to Saturday in which a very close friend dropped her daily tasks and spent the time with me in the emergency room as I was all tangled in wires and tubes for monitoring. What do I say to her? How can I ever repay her for her kindness? I think that I’ll never find something that truly allows me to express how much gratitude I have towards het. She’s done this before and it was just as special, but this is such an unselfish act that it seems impossible for me to recognize her and her acts for the kindness, selflessness and generosity that have been shown. I’ll keep striving to find a suitable award, token gift but I do not think that this (or these) actions can be properly rewarded with something of financial gain. The best I can do is remain her friend for as long as she allows me to helping her reach her dreams and goals…I think.

Sunday was a day of rest. With my workouts and the seizure I was sore in all extremities including my tongue. Hey hospital friend left her car in San Bruno and needed a ride. Luckily I am surrounded with other good friends and it took little effort and minimal organizing to not only get to our destination but meet up with our favorite teacher from USF. After a few margaritas and some laughs we headed home our separate ways. Hugs and handshakes flew but we all had a wonderful time.
I’m trying to look on the positive side here. While I’m a bit down and wondering about all things in life (future, jobs, family) With few exceptions this was a very above par weekend. I could have done without the seizure bit but at the same time I have a new wonderful memory. I wish I spent more time with these friends but I also realize that the times that I do spend with them are so very special already. I try to tread cautiously with them as well since I have a fear of becoming a burden or depressing.

What are you trying to say?
In short to those I spent time with this weekend, I just want to say thanks. While I’m not completely whole (mentally) you have definitely helped me over a very difficult bridge this weekend. I only hope that the compassion that you have shown me is given back to you ten-fold.

Today when I went n to the gym for a run I was all prepped except that the Nike sensor that I use seemed not to work. What? It worked for the last few runs I’ve had and I count on this to help keep my motivation. Well I guess I’d just have to use my music instead of keeping track of how far I have gone vs. how far I have left to go or even the pace per mile. Hrm, this was going to be tough.

What was I to do? Nerd out of course and see if I could make my body nerd out as well. So, while I was trekking away on the treadmill I came up with a solution after a mile. The new methodology that helped me through the last three boring ass miles since I didn’t have my mental pivot tables to keep me occupied. I was going to run one song and walk one song. One on and one off. This would allow me to keep me at a good pace and get the rest that I so desperately needed but not cheat myself from a great workout.

Know what? It worked. I found myself running more than I was walking. I found that I still don’t care that I was talking loudly to myself and people were starting to think “oh my” or something silly, I was doing it. I was in the zone so to speak and I was really having a ball even when Enigmas – I Love You I Kill You came on as one of my running songs…but I made it all the way though it’s nine freaking minutes (yes I counted). I was however rewarded with a lovely song by Lykke Li – Dance Dance Dance whom I was introduced to by a friend I need to reach out to and say hi.

So the Recap:
Good – Great workout,  neat new system if my sensor fails again, 4 miles in, 1000 cals out, conquered Enigma, remembered Lykke Li & Becks

Bad – Broken sensor, people think I’m weird because I cheer myself on.

All in all today has been a win so far.
How has your day been?

04 – I Love You ILl Kill You

02 – Dance Dance Dance

Not that I am depressed nor am I being morbid or anything of the sort. I’m not even thinking of the process of death itself or how I will die when it happens because let’s face it; it’s going to happen. We just don’t know how, where or when unless we take care of these logistics ourselves. Who know, you might be stabbed by a unicorn before getting through this post.

What I have been thinking of is what happens to those I leave behind? What, if anything can I leave as a lasting impression? A mark if you will that will last a while. For this I can only answer as I have answered this question in the past which is to be the best that you can. In being the best that you can, those that love you and care for you will always have a mark to share, a story or memory. Those that wished they knew you a bit better will get the chance to do so when they hear the tall tales that are spun.

Since this answer hasn’t changed and because I’ve been thinking about this for a while now I think I am ready to make a decision. As a few of my friends have told me they do not want the usual funeral where tears are spilled and crying is the course that people take part in. I don’t want the usual funeral either. In fact, I will no longer be calling it a funeral, it’s new term is roast…probably because hell needs a new leader.

At my roast I want the following:

• cotton candy machine
• funnel cakes
• PBR and Jack Daniels
• those that feel the need to speak MUST wear togas
• Any speakers must speak in a roast format
• pony rides
• free wi-fi
• food fights
• karaoke

So that’s it. I know it’s a bit ‘different’ and I know most people will think that things like pony rides are a bit odd for a roast but some child out there will remember it and so will those that attend. This celebration roast should be fun and full of smiles. Who knows, the next unicorn might be coming for you!

I said to my mother as it passed us “Man that looks like a dream”

She replied with something I never thought she’d say to me and what once was a really decent day has me questioning and thrown me pretty hard. She said, “‘I’m glad you can’t drive then”. While I know what she meant, this was possibly the worst thing she ever said to me in her or my life. I’m confused, hurt, astonished and all sorts of emotions now and … just wow.

It was good to be happy for a while though.

Pops wrote, and I’m paraphrasing here but not much. “Hi kids, Happy Monday. A beautiful sunny day here today. We had a great steak dinner by the pool last night. I jumped in. Water temp is about 80. It was a bit cold, but tolerable. Today I will pay this weeks bills and putter in the garden. The boys and I will take a friend for a bbq lunch. Nothing else much to report. Love POD.”

POD stands for Poor OLD dad.
Silly crackers. Don’t you know you get soggy in water?

All I can do when i read and re-read his email is smile and think damn.

Today I apparently had yet another seizure and I have no idea why. This got me to thinking about gratitude. Not only gratitude but how one expresses it and to what measures are gratitude properly expressed for various deeds & tasks.

I’ve been up on my medications, I’ve been getting my sleep and taking the best care I’ve ever taken of myself in my life. My weight is better than it’s ever been and my blood sugar is decent. The paramedics said my blood pressure was good as well. Is it stress? Is it something I haven’t thought of? What is this mystery cause that I can’t seem to grasp? How do I repay those that assisted me today let alone those that have assisted me in the past or grace me with their continual beautiful gifts on a daily basis?

I’m at a loss on how I an achieve this. Even my impending degree at USF has not helped me crack this code. I know I can just continue to be the best that I can be and that might be a minimal reward to those that care for me. To me however that is a paltry response.  can’t seem to grasp how to express gratitude in an effective yet meaningful way to anyone.

I always find a new reason why to love them even more day in and day out. This weekend with the help of friends I discovered indoor rock climbing, and that I’m not only OK at it but it’s terribly fun. I also re-learned some of those long lost knots I was taught to tie in sea-scouts like the figure eight and the fisherman’s knot.  I became certified in belay. I ordered a new Gi for judo. I went running at night because I was too embarrassed to run in the day. I went biking for thirty minutes but never moved an inch.

First, I did all of these things for me. I was made aware of these by my friends but I did them for me.
Second, and just as important to note, I was introduced to these by my friends. The people who have helped shape me and whom I love dearly for who they are, how they push me and how they are continual sources of inspiration.

While my friends introduced me to these wonderful things I adopted, they also did one thing that was wonderful. They respected me in and out of my accomplishments within these areas. be it work, school, rock climbing, judo, bitch-fest or whatever the matter was. They helped me succeed with a large amount of respect. This is huge. Not because it grows and strengthens the bond between friends but because it makes our friendship stronger and leads to more wonderful times together because of the bonds that have been strengthened.

Another important quality that I find my friends have in common is that they care about me and who I am as a person rather than what they can gain from me or my skills, abilities, social contacts etc… This is really brought to light by some close friends who I hold dear. We joke around about all things from bodily functions, sexuality and odd situations that we are privy to. We hold the closeness dear as we laugh together knowing that as we laugh, we have each other when we need comforting, advice or simple companionship. We become comfortable with each other to the point where it doesn’t matter that white socks are worn with black shoes in a dress situation. In fact, we take that memory and smile about it later on in silliness.

As I’ve grown more comfortable with myself, which has not been an easy feat, I recognize a few interactions that exemplify this. One that I recall quite well has been echoed by a few people. In my journey to become comfortable with myself I have become more comfortable with others. I have grown to enjoy them and love them for our similarities and our differences. On a few occasions this has led to more then a couple really close friends asking me if I was/am gay. My reply to them was honest and will continue to be the same. The words themselves were not difficult but the nature of the question can be. It made me extremely proud that these friends and I have formed such a strong friendship that they were comfortable with me as a person to ask such a question. I understand that who I am is different then who most people are expecting. I am a bear of a different nature. I enjoy cultures that are not my own. In living this way, it makes people wonder. This is why I was so proud of my friends who questioned me to have the courage to ask such a tough question.

Why am I going to such a different tangent? I think it’s because I’m feeling such a lot of love right now. I am conversing with friends via email, reading what others have written and was sent a lovely blog pots that I want to share with you now.

Every morning, for the past many mornings, I’ve been at a coffee shop writing, clicketyclacking my little brains out, making sense of the stream of text that loops on a mobius strip along the backs of my eyes. And so sometimes I am sleepy when I arrive, and sometimes it is cold, and sometimes I drive to the coffee shop, a bus of one, and sometimes in my sleepy and cold it seems impossible to pay for parking at the silly parking meters that require quarters or credit cards. I mean: if you can make it take a credit card, can’t you make it take a nickel? And so sometimes I just park and hope nothing will happen. But one day this week I walked out of the coffee shop blinking and caffeinated and found a dollar under my windshield wiper. I don’t know if this would ward off the coppers, were they to descend upon my 1993 Buick LeSabre, but it might. Or at least maybe someone thought, with a car like that, this gal can’t afford parking. But either way. I held the dollar bill to my heart for a good few seconds and looked all around, and found no one with a fistful of dollar bills looking suspicious, so I just yelled, THANK YOU and went on my way.

Courtesy of http://lindsayliveshere.org/

If you made it this far, thanks for being part of my personal Fantastic Voyage.
With Love,

Michael

Who loses a shoe mid-seizure?

Why can’t I find my gym bag that has my combo locks already attached and ready to go as well as my towel from REI put in there?

Why did I put asparagus in my SALAD of all things even though I can’t stand the way these pee-stinkers taste?

Who is this guy who is changing his alarm clock to wake and work out in the morning? I don’t get him and how did he get into my body?

I also don’t understand how this is becoming my life and I don’t understand why these changes are so important to me right now but they are. I’m doing them for me and it feels right. I plan to go back to judo this week or next. I’m excited about that more than I can express. I would love to compete in a tournament this year at some point. In fact, I’m making that a goal. One year from today, three hundred and sixty five days from now I want to have competed in (and hopefully done well in) my first judo tournament.

Step one in doing so is changing my routine. I will go to bed early on the weekdays in order to get up early so I can go for a run before work. After work I will go to the gym and keep the usual night shift but still go to bed early.

At least that’s the plan. Now, I still need to figure out who the hell put this damn asparagus in my lunch.
Asshole!

Louis CK – My Horrible Body

Louis CK – Cinabon Explicit

The ad was answered and answered by a ‘Theater Troupe’. Not a good sign in my book already. Why? Just because in my *limited* experience they have always been unreliable and shady.

The time was first arranged to pick up the freezer on Friday but the troupe had to rearrange their time and make it either Saturday at 9am or Monday morning.

Since we all work, Monday is out of the question so it has to be Saturday at 9am. A day later I get another email that says it has to be at 8am instead of 9am. OK fine, I don’t like getting up this early but if it gets me the $50 that I asked for and the freezer out of my house. Awesome.

Fast-forward to 7:30 Saturday morning. I wake up, pull the freezer out in prep for the ‘troupe’ representative to come by and pick it up. 8:30 rolls around and they pull up in a truck. There’s two bikes in the back of the truck so there’s already a problem on how to transport it but that’s going to be their problem. The driver gets out of the truck cab and says “Hey, $20 right?”.
Me: Uhh no, the ad said $50.
Driver: Great, the ‘troupe’ leader didn’t tell me that. Is there an ATM around here?
Me: There’s a 7-11 down the street.
Driver: BRB (Yes he said that)

So I went inside, made my oatmeal and poured a warmer for my coffee and waited. They came back and said that it’ll have to be Monday since the driver doesn’t have the cash in his account to cover. At this point I am fuming.

The driver is no taller than the freezer and I’m walking towards him just barking and steaming mad. I told him that I’d ever sell to him and that this is the exact reason why ‘theater troupes’ have a bad reputation. Bark bark bark get the hell off my lawn!

I hate CL people!

One memory that I will never forget and that will always be a new hat comes from my father or pops as I call him. To set the stage, I was about five years old making my sister nine. As we were young kids we slept hard since we played hard all day long. Pops came in to wake us this morning and said to us in the most unusual manner. He woke my sister first and said to her the same thing that got me wide awake. Both of us were awake quick as jack rabbits, fast as bullets and happier than ice cream for breakfast. What he said to us I will never forget and will tell my kids should I ever have any someday.

Pops told us that is was such a beautiful day outside and that ma needed some rest today. Instead of going to work while we were at school, we were all going to play hooky and go to Great America while ma took a personal day and did whatever she wanted to do. If she joined us later great but my sister and I were going to spend the day with pops in the amusement park. This was way back when Buggs Bunny, Elmer Fudd and Sylvester the Cat roamed the park with freedom and reckless abandon.

What a rush! The deal was set but pops condition was we had to be ready to go *before* he got downstairs! This meant we had to get our teeth brushed, we had to get dressed properly, make our beds, make breakfast for ourselves, eat breakfast and clean the dishes as well!! WOW what a huge task for such young kids but we were up for the challenge.

My sister and I went through the bathroom and made sure that we had our chops brushed and hair combed. We raced down stairs as fast as out stubby legs could manage. pouring the Cherrios out of the box was almost as difficult as pouring the milk I poured the Cherrios and my sister poured the milk. She was older after all and the milk was a bigger responsibility being a liquid.  We ate the circular bits as fast as we could gulping down more air than food. As we washed the dishes, well my sister washed them since I was too short to reach the sink, pops came down in his usual business attire.

A pair of dockers, a button down shirt and a tie for Great America? HA! We fooled him and beat his conditions! He didn’t have any faith in us. What a sucker. It’s time to pay up!

As he filled his travel mug with coffee and kissed us both on the forehead, he walked out the door and said “April Fools, Have a great day at school!”

This is the best April fools joke I have ever been a part of. To this day pops asks us if we want to go to Great America. In fact the email my sister and I go this morning reads “Happy Thursday and April Fools Day. Don’t let anyone invite you to skip work and go play at Great America. HA!”

How wonderful! =)