How do I start this? I don’t know.
I usually tend to write on things that affect me or I have seen and even things that I find funny or atrocious. Not often do I write about what I feel deeply in the soul or what has plagued me. It just hurts too much to pen and awaken myself to when I have buried. Today I am going to try to do this.
I’ve always been the big fat guy. Maybe with a funny sense of humor or demeanor but I’ve always been fat. Even as a kid. I remember the football coaches and players trying to coax me to play football but I never really wanted to. When they finally understood that this wasn’t something I was interested in the ridicule and demeaning started because I wasn’t part of their group. They wanted that big lineman to block or smash through the offense. What I wanted didn’t matter to them. So my entire time growing up I have always felt out of place and as abnormal as anyone could. Even without the Epilepsy, I felt strange because I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, use my size as an advantage. It’s just not who I am on the inside.
My confidence has been low for many years now. I attribute this largely impart to my incredible size and weight.My confidence has prevented me from reaching many goals. I have not gone after jobs that I have wanted, I have not done as well in school as I could have, I have not dated or asked those that I wanted to on a date. Those that I have dated either suffered with me or because of me, for which I am truly regretful. All of these I attribute to my low confidence and it’s time that I do something about it. There are other areas that I have regrets on and other aspects in my life that I need to change yet the one area that will give me the most inner advantages is being more confident. The first step that I need to do for myself is to drop a good amount of this weight.
Jobs:
While I have held few jobs I am now looking for a new one. My current job is OK but it has zero challenge and does not utilize my skills nor does it grow any new talents. As I search for new jobs I discovered that I’ve seriously stunted my growth as an employee and need to rectify this immediately. When looking at these new employment opportunity’s and seeing that I don’t have the skills that are being asked for my confidence gets shot down further. It’s like a plane in the air crashing to the group being assaulted by AA guns. I know that’s an extreme example but I needed a visualization. Since I’ve began my workout regiment, it’s like the pilot found the switch to enable the fuel reserves. While I still feel under utilized and am searching for new employment, I take comfort in the growing skills that I am learning in school and apply them when I can to my current position.
School:
School has never been good to me. Never. I’ve never done well in school and I have always dreaded attending. In fact, I cut most of high school and had more days of absence than days attended. My GPA in High school and Junior College was dismal. I never saw myself walking down an aisle to receive a bachelors degree. In fact, I spent more time outside the classroom or in the principles office (usually for fighting) than I did learning. That is until recently. When my pops even challenged me to get a degree before I turned forty, I laughed squeamishly and decided that this would be just another way I’d disappoint him. As it turns out with USF, I’m really enjoying school. It might be that I have a group that is supportive instead of degrading. The team that I have seems to enjoy spending and supporting one another instead of backstabbing, manipulating and simply taking advantage of each other. It’s really nice to know that I have such a wonderful supportive group. Knowing that I have new friends, in the truest sense of the word, in this group makes me actually want to go to school. This coupled with my dear friend, whom I adore dearly, taking classes in the room next to mine makes this experience so much more enjoyable. We learn, talk, discuss and theorize. We help each other with projects and brainstorm together. My team, and my friend are really wonderful and I never thought that I would have this. This is a huge boost to my confidence especially since my GPA keeps soaring higher with each class.
Dating:
I’ve not dated much in my life and had fewer girlfriends. Again, I blame myself and my lack of confidence for this. I have not had the chutzpah to ask anyone out for a coffee or drink. When I have asked others out I am sheepish and fearful that the three letter word of “no” will be forthcoming. Why? Shouldn’t I feel that it is they who are missing out on someone great? It’s only lately that I’ve come to that conclusion but it’s taken quite some time to realize this. My sisters mother has always said that ‘it must be very hard being a guy and having to deal with rejection’ but I don’t thing that she truly understands how devastating this can be. It takes huge nerve, at least for me, to ask anyone out, even when booze is involved. Do I want that someone special to be with? Sure. That significant other would be a wonderful addition and I’d like to be in love but I realize that I need to love myself first. I do love myself but I want to work on myself and strengthen this love so I have more love to give to both myself and whomever I am destined to be with (if anyone).
Overall:
Where does this leave me? This leaves me with a new found respect for myself knowing that I can do the things that I want but I need to put forth an effort into the goals that I want to achieve. While I know that goals that involve the hearts and minds of others are not always achievable, I now realize that I can be the best that I can be. Once I realize the goals I set for myself, I can set new goals and start the processes I am on now. That process is continual improvement. My first goal is to improve my confidence by way of weight loss. I feel that this will be a big boost for me in the area of my confidence but also huge health benefits can be reaped.
I am currently making my bicycle riding and gym days more frequent. I ride to the gym and back even on days I don’t want to go. usually this is about four or five days a week. Wednesdays are out due to school but that’s fine since I realize that even I need a bit of rest. I haven’t been going to judo class but I will continue that soon. I haven’t been going because I am fearful. My love for judo has not waned as I still think it’s a brilliant sport. Even more delightful are the participants that I have met through my time from Benros, Kimmy, Raul and all the others. They are really amazing people. Yet I am fearful that I hold the class back. I want to increase my cardiovascular and drop some weight before I go back so I can fully participate rather than have to sit on the sidelines.
The medical recommendation for a person of my height is between 156 and 205 lbs. I simply do not see this yet and I believe this would be unhealthy for a person who has my frame. I will set my own goals and see how I feel at that time once I reach that goal. I have given myself a bit over a year to reach my goal. This coincides with my other life long goal of graduating from college. By my graduation date I want to have dropped down to 250 lbs. As of this posting, or this morning I am 109.4 lbs away from that. This is still good as I am now down thirty pounds from when I started this venture seriously.
I have no idea how I dropped 3.2 lbs in one evening. Perhaps it was the riding, the gym and the ride home. Maybe it was the foods that I ate or more importantly did not eat. I think however it was a combination of the two. I have a self imposed goal of a year to reach my targeted goal. While by all published standards I’ll still be overweight. I wanted to set a goal that I felt was both obtainable, challenging and would not compromise my health.
I am publishing this chart. I am publishing this to help me keep track of how I am doing and what I need to do. I feel by publishing this chart I can out myself and force myself to stay on track. If you’ve made it this far on this post I ask you to help me keep track and not let me slip on my updates. Furthermore I ask you to challenge me. Right now I ride the bike, do 30-60 minutes on the elliptical, 30 sit ups (I hate these), 30 of a seated bench press (80lbs) and 30 of another machine that I don’t recall the name of but it’s a chest exercise to tighten up the moobs. If you have an exercise that you want me to add to my regiment, send me a link where I can find information on it and I will incorporate it as long as the goal is trimming or weight loss. Bulking up is not the goal. later when I am at my goal I will change this to definition but first things first.
| Current Weight | Date | Target Differential | Weight Change | Goal |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 358.4 | 10/27/2009 | 108.4 | NA | 250 |
| 358.4 | 10/28/2009 | 108.4 | 0 | |
| 360.2 | 10/29/2009 | 110.2 | 1.8 | |
| 361.6 | 10/30/2009 | 111.6 | 1.4 | |
| 362.6 | 10/31/2009 | 112.6 | 1 | |
| 359.4 | 11/1/2009 | 109.4 | -3.2 | |
| 358 | 11/2/2009 | 108 | -1.4 | |
| 354.6 | 11/3/2009 | 104.6 | -3.4 | |
| 355.6 | 11/4/2009 | 105.6 | 1 | |
| 355.4 | 11/5/2009 | 105.4 | -0.2 | |
| 355.2 | 11/6/2009 | 105.2 | -0.2 | |
| 357.2 | 11/7/2009 | 107.2 | 2 | |
| 358.8 | 11/8/2009 | 108.8 | 1.6 | |
| 354.4 | 11/9/2009 | 104.4 | -4.4 | |
| ? | 11/10/2009 | ? | ? |