mnickey.com

Saturday was my birthday and a reminder of why I do not celebrate my birthday. It started off well enough though. I woke up early and went for a nice ride to Palo Alto. This however is when I started to feel down and I have yet to shake it. When i was having breakfast with two good friends, I realized while they were friends in the truest sense I was alone. We began to talk about relationships and miscellaneous topics. There was discussion of this and that. Calls to significant others were made and taken to discuss impending events that night and plans that were already in place. The friends that accompanied me were expressing a sense of care towards someone else. I fell back into my rap of jovial jocularity to mask my discontent and pain in order to not ruin the morning. A slice of cake was delivered and the birthday song was sung but I felt a sense of regret that i had agreed to go along. I know that this was not what they meant to do and there was no sense in me feeling this mal-content but I was feeling alone in my self imposed solitude. The two accompanied me to see my pops where we indulged in some extravagant tailgating which is a standard for Stanford football fans. Again I see couples and people enjoying the day but I’m simply feeling down because of this. The people there are wonderful, as are the two that went with me to visit my pops.

I realize on the ride home that I’m being stupid and need to shake this so I just ride fast and hard.. I break a sweat and go as fast as I can probably breaking a few laws but I rode just as hard as I could…until my chain got mangled in the dérailleur. Wonderful. Now my bike is as fucked up as my brain. Luckily I have a couple bucks to catch the VTA and bus it home. I walk my bike home and try to fix it. I thought I did a decent job but it broke again Sunday as I was riding to the gym. If it screws up again I’ll need to take it into the shop and see what the hell is wrong.

Another friend comes to pick me up for the night “celebration”. Along the way he stated to tell me about this gal he’s talking to and how nice she is, how cute she is and really is beaming about her. My brain is thinking at the time, how wonderful. I had shaken the feeling of discontent and was able to feel joy for him. The best part of the evening was getting lost with him and enjoying the fact that we were lost.

Arriving at the pub I see my pops, my sister, her husband, ma and some eggs. BT who I had called several times and emailed never responded and was obviously not there. KW called and let me know she was bringing a friend. All of this was fine or so I thought. As the night progressed I again found myself sitting amongst happy people and ma.I look at Briggs and he’s jovial which is a huge change for him especially with his impending job change, KW has a huge smile on her face, pop is happy as can be, Chris is just ecstatic and holding hands with the hubby and then there’s ma…sitting there with her head slumped down barely even conscious. Am I to be like her? Is she the source of my discontent? Why are all of these people happy? Why can I not be happy? Am I going to end up like this slug sitting next to me?

As the evening ended I walked into the house alone feeling that I have nobody to turn to when I need to or want to hold a deep conversation. Even when the family left the pub I found myself falling back to my normal defense state of being the clown. Nobody sees the person behind the makeup. That night was so bad that I feel hat I even tried to start a fight with another patron. Luckily my friends stopped it with laughter and the other patron had more sense than I did.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

Tags: Depressed

This entry was posted on Monday, November 9th, 2009 at 13:21 and is filed under Birthdays. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.