I wish I knew.
I’ve deactivated my FB account because it hurts. it hurts because I don’t know who I am, where I am and what I am doing. I see others that are so strong, fulfilled and complete yet I am empty and alone.
Poetry:
I write, message & express what I feel silently to the ether.
Communications of my fears are being realized.
The shadows of my mind creep and swell
I’ve considered them cowards and selfish
Fearfully now think may they have found an answer
A solution that I’ve neglected to admit
Am I courageous or selfish enough
Can I defeat these angels
Will the demons keep me lost
How long can I suffer
Prologue:
Before you go on note that this is in no way targeted towards any one or group of people. It’s just what I am feeling and how I am feeling. I’ll pen them here for you but specific questions regarding you or what you did, how you acted… I don’t know if they fit as I didn’t examine each and every friend I have. I simply am expressing what I am feeling.
Script:
What does this mean and why am I so down?
I wish I could put my finger on this. It’s like asking someone where they left their keys. If I knew where my soul was it wouldn’t be lost. I do however know what triggered this. Let’s start there. It was a pair of ski boots I purchased a while back. I’ve been helping my mother clean out her place and we came across a pair of ski boots that I have had stored there for a long time.
These boots were bought in preparation for a series of trips that were to be made with friends that never came to fruition. I found myself asking myself why. Another friend from many years stopped by the house innocently enough and while I was glad to see him, I was unaware that they were stopping by. As it turns out they came by to go to dinner with someone else. I find myself asking myself why. Why was I not asked, invited or aware.
I sat at home and tried to forget by writing homework assignments but I simply couldn’t forget it. Have I been such a horrific friend? Have I disappointed so many in my life that I am yet again being shunned by those that I held in high regard? I know that I am not the easiest person to deal with with my needs and my lack of abilities to do what most people take for granted. The ability being able to drive and get to and from with ease. I am reminded of this daily as I take the train to work and back. In fact, I’ve had people that I have considered friends, and some that I still do, tell me that they think I consider them nothing more than taxi service. The disappointment that I heard in their voice echoes with me to this day.
What really set me on the down slope this weekend that I’ll not recover from shortly is that I feel alone. I don’t feel alone in a romantic sense anymore but truly alone in that nobody truly understands or even comprehends what this is or how this has affected me. When we found the ski boots my mother kept asking me what I wanted to do with them. My initial reply was sell them as I was trying to avoid a confrontation. Then as she pressed I snapped on her and fell into a crevice that I see no light. It went something like this.
- Ma for the third time: What do you want to do with the ski boots?
- Me: Just sell them
- Ma: Really? They were used only once if that and still have tags on the box.
- Me: Listen mom, I have no friends that invite me places. I have no way to get to the snow by myself. Nobody i know invites me to go with them, how the F*ck am I supposed to do anything with them?
- Ma: So you just want to sell them? You’re so young and should be using them.
- Me: Mom please just drop it. This is a really sore subject with me.
- Ma: What about the Skis?
What I am dealing with is not the skis, the ski boots the poles or the gear itself but the fact that I am alone. The boots and assorted gear seem to have transformed into a living metaphor. I come to this conclusion by way of deduction. It may be faulty but it’s my deduction and my admittedly warped mind that leads to these summations. No matter how much i try or how long I tend to the farms of friendship I remain alone as the crops never understand what I am, who I am, what I feel or need. Even my family doesn’t understand me after so many years of having to deal with me. How can I expect my friends to do the same? The friends that I have fostered have left me to lead their own lives, for which I cannot hold any ill will or malice. I am alone, misunderstood and a prisoner of my own emotions.
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